Excerpt from Chapter 5: Coping with Your Feelings When Your Child Suffers

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Organization of Chapter 5

I first address the emotions of guilt, shame, fear, anger, and sadness. After describing each emotion—how it may be experienced, how it can be a hindrance, and what may help you cope with it—I give a clinical example. In many of these little examples, I follow one parent of a teenager as she experiences the various emotions in response to her child's suffering. I then talk about coping with the pain caused by not being able to fulfill all your expectations of protecting and caring for your child. This includes the proposal of a "parents' serenity prayer."

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Your own painful emotions

Guilt

Parental guilt seems to surface in two forms. One form arises when a conscientious parent feels excessively responsible for a child's difficulties. The circumstances that can trigger this intense feeling of responsibility might include a divorce, your own medical illness, or a family history of mental disorder.

Guilt keeps you from seeing that your child's particular difficulties have many contributing causes. You may irrationally lay total responsibility for your child's difficulties at your own feet. Intense guilt, or self-blame, may lead you to say or do things that make the situation worse. Your guilt may be so strong that you cannot recognize or appreciate all you have done to help your child.

Cindy's 15-year-old daughter Margo had been having many difficulties over the past several months. Margo had been caught skipping school several times, and violated her curfew regularly. When at home, she mostly kept to herself in her room; she often stayed up late sending emails to her friends. The guidance counselor at school expressed concerns about Margo. She told Cindy that two other students had told her that Margo had said she was depressed. The students feared that Margo would hurt herself. Cindy's husband Frank had left the marriage about a year earlier. He had only sporadic contact with his daughter. Cindy worked full-time. When Cindy first heard about Margo's difficulties, her first response was to feel that the guidance counselor was saying that she was a "bad mother." She felt she had "totally" failed her daughter.

She felt tremendously guilty, which came out largely as feeling very angry with herself. As a result, she yelled angrily at Margo when she next saw her, "Why didn't you tell me you were depressed?" Margo did not hear the guilt and concern in her mother's angry voice; she only heard the anger. She then felt guilty herself.

A second, less obvious form of guilt conceals the personal sense of responsibility. ......

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Your guilt, however you experience or deal with it, comes from a deep sense of sadness and helplessness about your child's difficulties. Your guilt may decrease when you realize that professionals do not blame you and that many different factors contribute to your child's problems. Your guilt may decrease even more when you see your child respond to helpful treatments.

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